Happy Birthday Citizens United from People Politico
I’d buy you a drink, but what is the legal drinking age for a corporation?
I’d take you out to dinner but how does a corporation eat?
I’d give you a hug if I could wrap my arms around your cute corporate buildings. By the way, is it OK to touch your buildings? I would hate to touch your “no zone”.
Speaking of, I know it is embarrassing but I must ask, are you a guy or a girl? It’s nothing personal; I would just feel weird inviting you to go out fishing with the “guys” if you’re not a guy. And it would not be cool to see if you wanted to go with my wife on “girl’s night out” if, you know, you’re not a girl.
Anyway, Happy Birthday my… friend? Are you a friend or are you family? Or are you like the new college kid that moved in down the street? My kid’s friend? This is just getting weirder. I mean, I know you’ve been around and a part of my life for a long time. I’m just not sure where and how you fit in. I must have missed when we were introduced. Forgive me. So did you marry my aunt? Or are you like a relative of mother-in-law’s? Friend of the family? Are we siblings? Did my mom have you out of wedlock and some deep dark secret we aren’t supposed to talk about? That must be it, sorry. Moving on.
Anyway I was planning on taking a trip next summer and wanted to know if you wanted to come. You can bring your subsidiaries if you want, but you need to take care of their arrangements. Now, are you going to need a double seat on the airplane? You know we’re friends right? I’m not trying to hurt your feelings or anything but you might not fit in the seats they have in coach. Let me know.
I want to take a couple tours on our trip too, but I’m not sure of our group size. I know you’re big, but do you count as one for just your corporate identity, or do I count your number of employees? You might want to have that looked at; having that many things living in you probably isn’t good. Or should I figure you size based upon the overall economic effect of your presence? I mean, you see my issue, I don’t know if I will need to book the bus or not.
My friend Bob is going and was wondering if you wanted to share a room? He’s cute and don’t worry I won’t judge you if things happen. I mean, we’ll be on vacation so have fun but please use protection. I consider myself and the rest of my friends to be pretty open, so no worries about it. Hetero, bi, lesbian, gay, and Man on Backup Generator Shed is good with us. We’re all friends, right!
One last thing, I won’t mention it directly so it can’t be incriminating. But that thing you did, awhile back. Yeah, well the cops were asking around and I think they may be onto you. So I would suggest booking the trip with us. Because when you get back, they might have found it. And if they do, you’re going to the big house. Though I’d like to see them try to cram you in somewhere. Ha! They might have to make a whole new prison just for you! Sorry, that’s not cool. I’m cool and won’t say a thing. Citizens United is the “word”. Doesn’t matter though does it, my friend? Because in the end, you and me will be in Heaven together, won’t we?
Peace out.
Lots of love,
Your… friend, brother, mother, daughter, uncle, aunt, school teacher, or whatever I am to you.
…
If this sounds like a bunch of crazy loon babbling treating a corporation like a best friend, a life partner, a college roommate or your brother. It sounds that way because IT IS crazy!